Unfolding Grace

Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
jonah 2.8

The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
rom. 5:20-21

play song. it's called 'unfolding grace' by lili haydn. looks like she's into new age theology which i don't agree with (just to clarify), but the chorus to this particular song makes me think deeply about what grace is and how it affects me every moment of every day. these are some lyrics:
pouring down like the hands of a weeping willow tree....
are we unfolding grace with every breath that we take? are we unfolding grace with every step that we take? if we are not unfolding grace, what are we doing?
there is truth to be found in those simple words. (if anyone can find all the lyrics to this song, please shoot me an email or post them as a comment.)

i can tell this post is gonna be: 'tanya: wide open". perhaps i should change the title.... (already looking forward to the comments which will follow.)

so i freely admit that i struggle with the thin line between being legalistic and being spirited. (not sure that's the exact way to word it, but i'm going with it for now.) last week during youth group, i saw a kid (i say "kid", but what i really mean, is young man) getting a skateboard out of his vehicle. and knowing church policy, which states there shall be no skateboarding on church ground due to insurance issues (all that technicality stuff; blah, blah, blah), i went outside to say something. but there was already another youth leader outside. and since there were other kids out there riding their skateboards, i didn't really feel right about saying something to them (meaning the youth), since the other leader was allowing this to take place. (i'm normally the one who tells the youth to put their skateboards away - every week.) so i told the youth minister (the one in charge :-) <-just for you denise!) that i was having this crisis/dilemma about wanting to uphold the policy, while other adult leaders don't seem to care.

for me it's a spiritual issue. it's not necessarily about the kids breaking the rules or the adults not upholding the rules. it's about my role as a leader and my commitment to do what i'm expected to do. (i feel honored to be on church council, to be a volunteer youth leader, to be a member of JUMC - all of which i take seriously.) these verses are my reason for why i do what i do:
[Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. 1 peter 2:13-14]

[Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. romans 13:1-3

[Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you. hebrews 13.17]

cue: psycho-Christian babble [thanks, kimberly, for dubbing those words for me. i really appreciate it! wink wink]

so with all that being said, when i entered one of the youth rooms last night, and saw 'tanya is a skater hater' written on a wall, a great many thoughts came rushing into my mind. (as you can tell from the length of this post!)

then i said something to one of the senoir high girls who we've not seen in a few weeks. it was along the same lines - about trying to get her to do what was asked of her when she didn't want to. (the grammar in that last sentence was terrible, but try to keep up.) pretty typical, i'm-too-cool-to-be-here syndrome. then i noticed one of the middle school boys had a golf tee in his mouth, which i told him to remove. then a young man was drawing on the wall with a marker, which i told him to stop. it seemed like one thing after another. then i got home and read a few pages from 'Out of the Saltshaker' by rebecca manley pippert. my mom sent that book to me for my birthday. with my mom, one never knows what type of books they will be. but so far this one is pretty decent. the part i read about was dropping our guard and getting to know people. don't assume they know you or you know them. expect God to move in them - that's it. and often that means being real about our faults and weaknesses. it also spoke of what they think is their reality, and what we think is our reality.

kinda like the skateboard issue. for me, i'm trying to do what i think is right. they see that as being a skater hater. i see it as a teenage girl who isn't doing what is asked of her. she sees me as an adult who doesn't understand her or cares for her. i see a young man vandalizing church property. i don't know what he sees me as.

oh, i forgot something. after reading about how to get out of a salt shaker, i pulled out an old journal from about 8 years ago. (the question was asked during 7.22 last week, 'how have you changed in the last 10 years?') my first entry was a list of questions. many of the question made me realize that i still don't know the answers. like, 'what satisfies?' or, 'who's opinion matters to me?' these are the question of a young person, trying to learn who they are. i bet the same questions are asked by the teenages in the youth group. and somehow God still answers. i marvel at this.

being a martha in a mary world? or being mary in a martha world? which do i fall under? am i connecting with Christ? -that is the question of my heart. (that wasn't one of the questions written in my journal 8 years ago, but i guarantee that was the deep answer and question at the time. i'm still seeking.

Mind-opener. that is how i would describe You today, Jesus. You are delving into my heart. this is unfolding grace in my life. i trust these question and thoughts are coming from You. i trust that tho i fall, You'll be with me. perhaps you didn't realize who asked the question yesterday during shottie and my walk. it was her saying, 'give me something to think about, a question or thought or scripture'. that wasn't me. but i guess You had another thing in mind. perhaps it was me asking for something to think about. and You answered the unspoken prayer. in piggly wiggly yesterday - the gift bag, You again reminded me that You'll lead me in the way i should go, You'll watch over me and direct me. that was You on the bag. that was You during the hike, saying 'follow me, I'll show You the waterfall.' You are the giver of clean, refreshing water. You are the one who takes the rough edges off the hard rocks. You are the one who breathes life into legalism. You are the one who is teaching me to be softer, get to know those to whom i give instruction, not to lord my authority over others. You are the one who give grace to the sinner and binds up the broken hearted. that's You. my heart rejoices as it is filled with this new mystery. You've changed me in 10 years - from someone who justified her drinking to someone who justifies upholding the law. good thing You aren't through with me yet.
thru Jesus my Savior ~ Amen
3 unspokens