unyielding spirit and anxiety

From My Utmost for His Highest, April 7^th:

God cannot reveal anything to us if we don’t have His Spirit. And our own unyielding and headstrong opinions will effectively prevent God from revealing anything to us. But our insensible thinking will end immediately once His resurrection life has its way with us.

 

1 Chron. 22.12-13

May the Lord give you discretion and understanding when he puts you in command over Israel, so that you may keep the law of the Lord your God. Then you will have success if you are careful to observe the decrees and laws that the Lord gave Moses for Israel. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged.

 

Amos 3.7

Surely the Sovereign Lord does nothing without revealing his plan to his servants the prophets.

 

1 Cor. 1.9-12

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

 

Rom. 15.13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

 

lately i’ve been anxious about so many things. my heart, soul and body are filled with anxiety, worry, fear, etc. i feel as tho i can’t find solstice anywhere. i pray and pray, yet my thoughts focus back on the unrest and trouble happening all around me. i’ve heard 3 sermons about worrying – so i know that God is trying to get me to change...

 

so what motivates my worry/anxiety/fear? first i need to get to the bottow of what is causing so much unrest in my soul.

 

• today the house in flowery branch goes up for auction – april 7^th. the kids are on spring break at deanna’s, and they may not have a house to return to when we take them back on sunday. 
• if the house doesn’t sell for more than the loan amount plus lawyer fees, troy will be expected to pay back the difference. this means he will need to file bankruptcy, which will ruin any chance of us getting a house in the next 5 years.
• i would fight for michael and alex to come and live with us, but troy doesn’t necessarily want that.  in the 3 days that we’ve had them this weekend, i can already tell a difference in their attitude. i feel as though they desperately need stability and structure, in order to develop into confident and mature young men.
• the anxiety which michael and alex bring into our house causes me to feel uneasy and anxious. they both continually are chewing the skin off their fingers, biting their nails, and alex sucks his thumb and twills his hair all the time. this cause troy also to be more antsy, bites his nails and shaking his leg. these little motions reveal so much unrest in their lives. it’s bothersome for me to feel so uneasy around them. there’s not peace, rest, or confidence.
• insecurities drive me crazy. i pray for the kids and troy to overcome their insecurites, so that they can be confident and bold. for me, i have the attitude that i can accomplish anything. too often i feel they fall into the thinking that they might get hurt or something might happen to them. they live in constant fear, and i don’t know how to help with that. the bondage of fear and distrust causes them to miss out on so much happiness, thrill and life.
• michael is getting more and more bullheaded and rebellious, and alex is following in those shoes. the kids lack respect for authority, which drives me crazy. i see more and more how important it is to learn these lessons from our parents on earth so that we know how to respect our Father in heaven. if we can’t accept discipline from our earthly dad, how are we ever going to learn to yield our spirits to our heaven Dad?  how will we know to obey His commands, if we don’t listen to our earthly dad’s requests? [1 john 5.3 this is love for God: to obey His commands.] how does one instill obedience, respect and honor?

2008 new year's resolutions is to get back to this blog. i have missed you, 7 day holy.

hey - sorry for the lack of posts on this blog. i've not died, nor have i abandon ship. take a little journey with me to this blog to see what's happening in my world.

God Come by Shane & Shane

Come meet us
King Jesus
Oh wind of change
Blow through the temple

Sweet Spirit of God
Come mend our hearts
For all we have are songs
Unless You come

Awaken what's inside of me
Tune my heart to all You are in me
Even though You're here
God come

May the vision of You be the death of me
And even though You've given everything
Jesus come

Here we are, Lord
In this place
Crying out for
Your embrace

To hear Your voice, God
More than songs
Please come...

The Reality is Found in Christ

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
col. 2.21-23

These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ.
col. 2.17

last weekend i attended a training for The Truth Project. click on the link for more info. the teacher, Del Tackett, has amazing ability to communicate. since the training, different thoughts/ideas have come to mind regarding this training. it's the universal issue of good versus evil: to know the difference, we need to find what the Truth is. where is the Truth found? why is it important to know the Truth? does everyone question the Truth? how does knowing the Truth help to communicate Christ to the nations? how does knowing the Truth affect us on an everday basis? does it affect our views on sociology, theology, economics, community, etc.? i'm learning that knowing the Truth, God's Truth, does affect every area of our lives because it transforms the way we think. (rom. 12:2)

because of the training, i'm more apt to look for Truth in scripture. i realize that what Paul was referring to when he said, 'do not handle, taste or touch' were 'what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day.' (col. 2.16) what in my life do i continue to obey which is the old law instead of the Spirit of Truth? what have i learned along the way that is law-abiding instead of Spirit-inspired? what do i hold onto that has an appearance of wisdom, with its self-imposed worship, its false humility and its harsh treatment of the body, but it lacks any value in restraining sensual indulenge? what has power to restrain sensual indulenge?

man, i wish i could think deeper than my carnal self. i know that i have answers to these questions...

i'm really trying to give time for these questions to set it. starting with the last question, about 'restraining sensual indulence'. my thoughts go two ways: the first, 'when i'm tempted, what do i do?', and secondly, 'is the church equipping me to restrain sensual indulence?'
*what do i do: after thinking for too long about the temptation, my spirit kicks in and pushes me to pray or read some verses - trying to get my focus from me to Christ. i seldom (if ever) tell my friends what i'm struggling with. i have great friends who would do whatever they could to help, but i don't depend on them for this type of support. (not sure why i added that, but it just kinda typed itself.)
is the church equipping its members to restrain sensual indulgence: somewhere along the way, i had to learn that when tempted i needed to shift my focus from me to Christ. (my initial answer was 'no', but the more i thought about it, my answer changed.) what am i, a member of the church, doing to equip others to restrain sensual indulgence... that's a tough question. know the Truth and it will set you free, be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

somewhere along my journey, Christ revealed Himself to me. He's used people to teach me how to seek Him, who is the answer to every question. He equips, He sustains, He never lets go or leaves us. He sent His Spirit to lead us deeper into 'reality', and away from the virtual. i'm learning that because i think or feel something, that is may not be the Truth. the Truth is Jesus, and that reality is found in Christ. I'm learning that the more i study the Bible, the more knowledge i have on people's natures, community, the reason so many people are broken and in need of the Truth. we, as a people, have been lied to from birth. we are not unworthy, useless, unloved. the Truth is we are loved, worthy, and a people of purpose.

i'm praying for an opportunity to lead/be a participant in this Truth Project. it's a study that begins and ends in the Truth.

Jesus,
You are the Truth. sometimes is building within me to know more and more Truth. i pray for You to give it to me, and not just me, but give it to the all the people. we all need to know this Truth. so much of the teaching i hear today involves emotions and feelings, but i know there is so much more to You. i'm rejoicing that this Truth has come into my life. my reality is found in You - guide me deeper into You to know reality. don't let me be deceived any longer. Spirit of Truth, let me see where i've follow the customs of this age, instead of following Your teaching. if i'm pursuing anything that holds an appearance of wisdom with its self-imposed worship, please reveal this to me. i've died with Jesus to the basic principles of this world. remind me of this when i return to them - that they are not part of who i am any longer. they've been dealt with on the cross and have no power over me. You made a public spectacle of them. You give new meaning to "let Truth reign". i'm letting Your reign in my life. i'm surrendering toYou. again, i'm humbled and amazed at how You bring to light and expose the lies. i'm praying for You to prepare others to be involved in this Truth project. may You open my eyes to see whom You are drawing to this study. i'm praying for 8 people, tho i don't know who You are going to choose. You chose me before i chose You, that's what i know. that's my reality. thanks for choosing me.
in Christ's Name ~ amen
*Tricia *Darcy *Jon

Discipline and Punishment

Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their fathers; each is to die for his own sin.
deut. 24.16

And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation."
Ex. 34.6-8

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Heb. 12.11

i can't help but have interest in the battle in darfur. children soldiers, holy war, rebellion, separation from Christ. people are dying for a cause that most of can't comprehend. what are these rebels trying to prove? why are they fighting? why are they killing children and raping women? what causes a group of rebels to do these things? are they fighting for peace? I don't know exactly, but i'm saddened by the events which have taken place.

'each is to die for his own sin.' there seems to be some accountability in that statement. but what about these families near darfur who have become fatherless and widowed? i bet they feel like a piece of them have died because of this war. are they feeling disciplined - certainly it doesn't seem pleasant, but painful. i can only imagine the depth of their pain. it breaks my heart to think of how terribly they feel - to live in those conditions. but then this new testament verse goes on to say, 'later on it produces a harvest of righteouness and peace for those who have been trained by it.' this isn't for those who harbor the bitterness and revenge, but for those who have been trained by grace and forgiveness. those who know that God is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving wickedness. just think about how difficult it would be to forgive the rebels how raped you and your daughters, killed your husband and forced your sons to become slave-militants. is there such a forgiveness? does it exist? who's bold enough to preach this type of God? who is taking the good news to those who need it most? he who has been forgiven much, loves much. that's Jesus' lesson. ask the woman caught in adultery. ask paul. if someone were to ask me what has been forgiven in my life and how has it affected who i am, what would i answer? how am i being trained to produce a harvest of righteousness and peace? how abundant is my harvest - is it a bumper crop? what proof is there that i am being trained?

gracious God,
i trust that You are disciplining me from my flesh. continue to separate/divide me from who i was. there is a change in my life that i can't explain. i'm learning who i am, as oppose to who i was before i surrendered my life to You. have You way in me. Holy Spirit, i lay down my will and offer it to You; be glorified in me. let this year produce a bumper crop - only thru You am i capable of remaining faithful and able to produce anything good. let Your peace dwell in me that it may overflow and produce praise and good fruit.
in Jesus' Name ~ Amen
*Amanda *Melissa *Laura

Unfolding Grace

Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
jonah 2.8

The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
rom. 5:20-21

play song. it's called 'unfolding grace' by lili haydn. looks like she's into new age theology which i don't agree with (just to clarify), but the chorus to this particular song makes me think deeply about what grace is and how it affects me every moment of every day. these are some lyrics:
pouring down like the hands of a weeping willow tree....
are we unfolding grace with every breath that we take? are we unfolding grace with every step that we take? if we are not unfolding grace, what are we doing?
there is truth to be found in those simple words. (if anyone can find all the lyrics to this song, please shoot me an email or post them as a comment.)

i can tell this post is gonna be: 'tanya: wide open". perhaps i should change the title.... (already looking forward to the comments which will follow.)

so i freely admit that i struggle with the thin line between being legalistic and being spirited. (not sure that's the exact way to word it, but i'm going with it for now.) last week during youth group, i saw a kid (i say "kid", but what i really mean, is young man) getting a skateboard out of his vehicle. and knowing church policy, which states there shall be no skateboarding on church ground due to insurance issues (all that technicality stuff; blah, blah, blah), i went outside to say something. but there was already another youth leader outside. and since there were other kids out there riding their skateboards, i didn't really feel right about saying something to them (meaning the youth), since the other leader was allowing this to take place. (i'm normally the one who tells the youth to put their skateboards away - every week.) so i told the youth minister (the one in charge :-) <-just for you denise!) that i was having this crisis/dilemma about wanting to uphold the policy, while other adult leaders don't seem to care.

for me it's a spiritual issue. it's not necessarily about the kids breaking the rules or the adults not upholding the rules. it's about my role as a leader and my commitment to do what i'm expected to do. (i feel honored to be on church council, to be a volunteer youth leader, to be a member of JUMC - all of which i take seriously.) these verses are my reason for why i do what i do:
[Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. 1 peter 2:13-14]

[Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. romans 13:1-3

[Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you. hebrews 13.17]

cue: psycho-Christian babble [thanks, kimberly, for dubbing those words for me. i really appreciate it! wink wink]

so with all that being said, when i entered one of the youth rooms last night, and saw 'tanya is a skater hater' written on a wall, a great many thoughts came rushing into my mind. (as you can tell from the length of this post!)

then i said something to one of the senoir high girls who we've not seen in a few weeks. it was along the same lines - about trying to get her to do what was asked of her when she didn't want to. (the grammar in that last sentence was terrible, but try to keep up.) pretty typical, i'm-too-cool-to-be-here syndrome. then i noticed one of the middle school boys had a golf tee in his mouth, which i told him to remove. then a young man was drawing on the wall with a marker, which i told him to stop. it seemed like one thing after another. then i got home and read a few pages from 'Out of the Saltshaker' by rebecca manley pippert. my mom sent that book to me for my birthday. with my mom, one never knows what type of books they will be. but so far this one is pretty decent. the part i read about was dropping our guard and getting to know people. don't assume they know you or you know them. expect God to move in them - that's it. and often that means being real about our faults and weaknesses. it also spoke of what they think is their reality, and what we think is our reality.

kinda like the skateboard issue. for me, i'm trying to do what i think is right. they see that as being a skater hater. i see it as a teenage girl who isn't doing what is asked of her. she sees me as an adult who doesn't understand her or cares for her. i see a young man vandalizing church property. i don't know what he sees me as.

oh, i forgot something. after reading about how to get out of a salt shaker, i pulled out an old journal from about 8 years ago. (the question was asked during 7.22 last week, 'how have you changed in the last 10 years?') my first entry was a list of questions. many of the question made me realize that i still don't know the answers. like, 'what satisfies?' or, 'who's opinion matters to me?' these are the question of a young person, trying to learn who they are. i bet the same questions are asked by the teenages in the youth group. and somehow God still answers. i marvel at this.

being a martha in a mary world? or being mary in a martha world? which do i fall under? am i connecting with Christ? -that is the question of my heart. (that wasn't one of the questions written in my journal 8 years ago, but i guarantee that was the deep answer and question at the time. i'm still seeking.

Mind-opener. that is how i would describe You today, Jesus. You are delving into my heart. this is unfolding grace in my life. i trust these question and thoughts are coming from You. i trust that tho i fall, You'll be with me. perhaps you didn't realize who asked the question yesterday during shottie and my walk. it was her saying, 'give me something to think about, a question or thought or scripture'. that wasn't me. but i guess You had another thing in mind. perhaps it was me asking for something to think about. and You answered the unspoken prayer. in piggly wiggly yesterday - the gift bag, You again reminded me that You'll lead me in the way i should go, You'll watch over me and direct me. that was You on the bag. that was You during the hike, saying 'follow me, I'll show You the waterfall.' You are the giver of clean, refreshing water. You are the one who takes the rough edges off the hard rocks. You are the one who breathes life into legalism. You are the one who is teaching me to be softer, get to know those to whom i give instruction, not to lord my authority over others. You are the one who give grace to the sinner and binds up the broken hearted. that's You. my heart rejoices as it is filled with this new mystery. You've changed me in 10 years - from someone who justified her drinking to someone who justifies upholding the law. good thing You aren't through with me yet.
thru Jesus my Savior ~ Amen
3 unspokens

Women: Support and Power

After this, Jesus traveled about from one town and village to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God. The Twelve were with him, and also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; Joanna the wife of Cuza, the manager of Herod's household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.
Luke 8.1-3

When Esther's words were reported to Mordecai, he sent back this answer: "Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
Esther 4.12-14

Habari za asubuhi.(good morning.) slowly but surely some swahili words and phrases are sinking into my thinking. (i absolutely love it!) it's like waking in the early morning, going outside and breathing in a huge breath of cool, refreshing, clean air. like the rush you get after stretching first thing after climbing out of bed. like opening your eyes to see someone who you've not seen in a long time. like hearing the voice of a friend from your past. like experiencing your first kiss. like discovering you didn't wet yourself during your first rollercoaster ride. like the first time you rode your bike without help. like trusting your dad to catch you when you jump into his arms. like someone pushing you higher and higher as you swing. it feels kinda like that.

so these ladies are following Jesus because He has done something great for them. so why do they continue to follow Him? what draws these ladies to this man? we know a couple things: mary was cured of demons, and joanna was married and had money. but that's not it. we also know that these ladies helped support Jesus and the disciples out of their own means. that the catch. they used their money and resources to support Jesus and his friends. that amazes me, especially joanna. i wonder what her husband thought? i can only imagine how joanna and her husband discussed what she was doing with her time and their money. i'm reminded that people want to give their time and resources to support people and organizations which offer something in return. Jesus had/has a way of moving people to give. i'm relying on that realization as i think of the next year ahead.

let's not forget the famous queen ester. mordecai and the jews were in dire need of a miracle. long story short: some unbelieving official decreed that all jews should dies, and esther was the last ray of hope to overturn to ruling. she was afraid to approach the king with this major request, so mordecai had to send her an 'encouragement' note. the note: you and your family will die if you don't do something. so she rallied the prayer warriors, fasted, and presented her request before the king. he granted her request, allowing the Jews to exist. so i question, what am i to do? what challenges lie ahead, and what type of risk will be involved? who will i need to request help from? who can i call on for prayer support? who will rise up and present a 'encouragement note' to me? am i willing to die if the King doesn't answer my request?

not sure why these two stories keep rolling thru my mind or how they are connected, but they do.

Aba, Baba, mambo yote yawezekana kwako. Tafadhali niondolee kikombe hiki cha mateso. Lakini si kama nitakavyo mimi, bali mapenzi yako yatimizwe. (Marko 14.36) i surrender to You. i will live my life as a child in awe of You.
in Jesus Name ~ Amen
*Cheryl *Earl *Denise

I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
ps. 121:1-2

He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.
ps 107.29

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
ps 147.3

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
heb. 13.8

I Will Lift My Eyes
Written by Bebo Norman and Jason Ingram

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

shottie introduced me to this song yesterday. it's pretty much rocking my world.

this verse sums up how i feel today:
"I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me." [job 30.20] it feels like i've made myself vulnerable before God, and all He is doing is standing there - staring at me. i'm uncomforable, trembling... but at least He hasn't looked away. our eyes are searing each other's souls and we both refuse to relinguish our gaze. neither of us are blinking. my eyes are burning from being dried out so long. how long will this last, my God?

Each Day's Need

"May he turn our hearts to him, to walk in all his ways and to keep the commands, decrees and regulations he gave our fathers. And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the LORD, be near to the LORD our God day and night, that he may uphold the cause of his servant and the cause of his people Israel according to each day's need, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the LORD is God and that there is no other. But your hearts must be fully committed to the LORD our God, to live by his decrees and obey his commands, as at this time."
Solomon's Prayer of Dedication for the Temple [1 Kings 8.58-61]

where to begin? where to begin? solomon, king of israel who was preceded by david - the man after God's heart... he was the chosen one to build the table, a place for God's name to be revered. tho it was a building, solomon knew that God could not be contained within its walls. (The heavens, even the highest heaven, cannot contain You. How much less this temple I have built! 1 kings 8.27) yet it was built for the people to remember how important God must be to each of them. He was to be the center of their community. He was to be the reason why people lived upright lives and brought sacrifices to this temple.

within the words of solomon's prayer, i can hear the heart of a man who knows his weaknesses. he pray again and again for the people to turn their hearts to the Lord, to be fully committed to Him, to live by His decrees and obey His commands. solomon knew the word of God; God spoke directly to him 2 times already. solomon grew up seeing his father run after God. he wasn't without an example of how to live by the commands of God.

so who has been my example? who has taught me to live by the commands of God? who currently holds me accountable to those lofty standards? where do i get my instruction or discipline? i grew up in a small church in south dakota where people learned to seek the truth thru the word. my youth leader (aka the pastor's wife) took me under her wing and mentored me. she was and remains to be a godly woman, someone i look up to and respect. she helped shape who am i and what i stand for. and my grandma tieman taught me the importance of blessing the food, interceding for the needs of others, and attending services. kimberly was and remains to be my nathan, my discipler. she has a way of knowing when i'm tempted and reprimands me for wandering from the chosen path. denise is a constant reminder that i'm beloved, chosen and worthy of the love of Christ. shottie encouranges me to dig deeper, to express my faith in words and be steadfast. juanita's gives grace and understanding. for these women, i'm eternally grateful.

gracious daddy,
thanks for the friends You've given me. i know each of these women has a vital role in Your kingdom and i'm grateful for what they've given to me. thanks for surrounding me with many people who challenge me to seek You deeper, harder, longer, wider. may You continue to turn my heart toward You. may i continue to learn how to obey your decree and commands and love Your word with all my heart.

'Lord, i am willing
-to receive what You give
-to lack what You withhold
-to reliquish what You take
-to suffer what You inflict
-to be what You require'
in Jesus' Name ~ Amen
*denise, juanita, deena, shottie, kimberly

Idolatrous Commotion

"Return, faithless people; I will cure you of backsliding." "Yes, we will come to you, for you are the LORD our God. Surely the idolatrous commotion on the hills and mountains is a deception; surely in the LORD our God is the salvation of Israel.

idolatrous commotion. that's how i would describe much of what i see in the world.
idolatrous: the worship of a physical object as a god
commotion: a condition of civil unrest or confusion
we are all searching for satisfaction. we are born with unrest and a desire to have our longings fulfilled. we can thank eve and adam for that one. and we search high and low to find what gives us the most satisfaction.

so what satisfies me? where do i look to be fulfilled? what have i sought after which left me empty and worse off than when i began my search? who do i expect to fulfill my wants? what do i expect of people? where am i most satisfied in my life? what kind of activities bring me the most joy? i realize these are pretty selfish questions, but without asking, how can i know how to help others find what satisfies their needs? what brings the most joy to people? the commotion from the world is deception. surely the Lord, Yahweh, is our salvation - our hope - our satisfaction. and without Him, we are seeking more commotion instead of peace and satisfaction.

Jesus, You are my hope. as i draw close to You, i know You draw close to me. help me to find what satisfies. open my eyes to know what satisfies You the most.
in Jesus' Name ~ Amen.

*Courtney * Shottie *Jennifer

Do Not Think...

The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
rom. 13.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
psalm 119.9-11

it's a foreign thought to me that paul had to tell the roman church to refrain from sexual immorality, drunkenness, etc.? i can only imagine what we americans would call that roman church... we think the problems in our churches are bad? i can only imagine my pastor preaching from the pulpit: "people, you need to stop having drunken parties where you end up having sex with one another." that would be the day.

so am i saying that this type of sinful behavior doesn't happen in the church? no, i'm not saying that. i know people who attend church services every sunday, people who struggle with low self-esteem and those who give into peer pressure. sometimes i fall into the catergory. perhaps we need to hear the bold words of paul, 'put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light, and this is what we as the church are going to do to help you along the journey...' i'm guilty of forgetting that last part, "and this is what i'm going to do to help you..." followed up by, 'i'm not going to leave you in the midst of this struggle. together we are going to make it thru."

so what can the church do to better help us along our journey Home? how can the church nuture it's people? (that's been the question on my heart lately.) what can the church do better to get people discussing their daily struggles, instead of feeling guilty of concealing their sin? we all sin - there are none who don't, even tho the people in the church often come across as being 'perfect'. God knows the condition of each of our hearts; we can't conceal our sin from Him.

i'm as guilty as they come about confess my sin to others. (confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. james 5.16) so since paul said to do it, and i'm not doing it, am i sinning by keeping my mouth shut? are we as the church sinning by not offering an environment where people feel comfortable to express their struggles and sins? are we aleinating those who need Jesus?

the psalmist asked a spiritual question, and came up with a 'practical' answer. i'm praying for the same to happen for our church.

Loving Father,
how can we keep our lives pure? only by living according to Your word. let us seek You with all our hearts; don't let us stray from Your commands. let us hide Your word in our hearts that we might not sin against You. let Your words resound thru our minds throughout the day, beckoning us to be pure. just as You calmed the storm for Your disciples, may You calm the storm raging in our hearts. may You transform Your church to be a place for sinners and the sick. may Your healing flood Your church with abundance. may Your Spirit dwell in our hearts as we go to meet Your children. may You teach us to invest in the lives of others. help us to love our neighbors the way You love us. and help us to love You with a steadfast love. break us of the sin of concealing our sin. bring something into Your church to break us from our arrogance. we are not perfect, not put together. sometimes we are lonely. let us be able to express that to one another. help us to confess our sin to You and to others. teach us how to be listeners and communicators of Your truth. teach me to be able to ask questions which enable others to speak their heart openly and honestly. teach me ways to encourage others to open up with me. shine Your truth thru me.
in Jesus' Name ~ Amen.
*Courtney *landra *karensa

wrestling and mercy

When they came to the threshing floor of Kidon, Uzzah reached out his hand to steady the ark, because the oxen stumbled. The Lord's anger burned against Uzzah, and he struck him down because he had put his hand on the ark. So he died there before God. Then David was angry because the Lord's wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah. David was afraid of God that day and asked, "How can I ever bring the ark of God to me?"
1 chron. 13:9-12

so what's been going on with me? let's see. i've been to vegas and the grand canyon. cue photos guess i've not uploaded too many photos. it was good for my soul to get to spend some time with kimberly. we had some intriguing talks during our 8 hour drive to and fro the 'big hole'. it's good to re-connect with friends, and to spend time in their presence. it's important to see their facial expressions and to hear their voice. since kimberly lives in las vegas, we don't get to spend much time together. about once or twice a year we get to spend a few hours together because of vacation or Stone Mountain Highland Games.

many of our conversations revolved around God, and what He's doing.
+ Kimberly's church has already out-grown their new facility.
- Kimberly feels more disconnected
+ kimberly has a great small group
- kimberly fears being open and honest in small group about what is deeply going on within her - the wrestling with God.

wrestling with God... seems like David had some moments of wrestling when Uzzah was killed because he was attempting to keep the ark from falling off the wagon. 'david was angry.' that's a very bold statement. things didn't go the way that david had intended - he wasn't getting his way. was david out of line to have these feelings? i don't think so. i think it shows the humanness of david, the man after God's own heart. did david sin because of the anger - david decided to drop the ark off at the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite instead of taken it to the City of David? did he miss God's mark? was God upset with David for doing this?

i've been doing some of my own wrestling lately. and tho it feels heavy and exhausting, i know i'm not alone in the fight. i'm not an island, tho the journey is my own.

from 'this journey is my own,' by sara groves:
When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own. Still I want man's advice, and I need man's approval, but this journey is my own. : Chorus: Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price? What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life? . So much of what I do is to make a good impression. This journey is my own. So much of what I say is to make myself look better. This journey is my own. . Chorus . I have never felt relief like I feel it right now. This journey is my own. 'Cause trying to please the world it was breaking me down, it was breaking me down. . Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one, now I live and I breath for an audience of one. Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one, 'cause I know this journey is my own. . Chorus . You can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain. I can't even judge myself. Only the Lord can say, "Well done."

Jesus,
tho my heart feels heavy and tired, and my words don't seem to flow gracefully, i'm crying out to You. some of my words to You are weighted and strong. sometimes the road doesn't feel fair or kind. but i'm learning to praise You with gratitude even if You chose not to answer my call today. help me to see Your mercies which come in various ways. thanks for my daily bread, and for friends who are willing to stand in the gap. thanks for grace that falls on weary lands. leed me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil. i'm cling onto this verse, "A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul, but fools detest turning from evil." (prov. 13.19) i'm clinging to the hope of my longing to be fulfilled. i desire to please You, my God and my King.
in Jesus' Name ~ Amen
*Mike *Patsy *Patsy

listening

Therefore I say: Listen to me; I too will tell you what I know. I waited while you spoke, I listened to your reasoning; while you were searching for words, I gave you my full attention.
job 10-12a

'To relate effectively with a wife, a husband, children, friends, or work associates, we must learn to listen. And this requires emotional strength. Listening involves patience, openness, and the desire to understand - highly developed qualities of character. It's so much easier to operate from a low emotional level and to give high-level advice.' -Stephen Covey from 'the 7 habits of highly effective people'

sometime it seems God speaks in a whisper, sometimes He has to use force; in both instances, God speaks with purpose. this quote from stephen covey speak so loudly to me that i can't help but notice. it's nearly as tho Jesus is sitting across my desk in my folding chair, and saying that statement to me. after i read that statement, i set the book down, and continued in conversation with Jesus, since He was already speaking to me.

so what has God spoken to you lately? what have you heard Him say? have you responded to Him with patience, openness, and a desire to understand?

(and for denise, i know what you are going to say. 'nobody thinks like you, tanya. maybe the Lord Jesus Christ can figure you out.') or in the lyrics to 'you get me' by zoegirl,
No more tears,
It's a silent ride.
You've broken down all fears,
Cuz you have made an all of me.
You know me better,
Than I know myself.
The key to my security,
Cuz there is no one else,
Who gets me.

Jesus,
Your word has refreshed my soul. tho it's painful to hear the words, i know You're calling me to a deeper understanding of listening. thanks for speaking truth to me. i can't change on my own, Jesus; i need Your help. i need You to teach me how to be open, patient and have a desire to understand what's being communicated. open my heart to hear. and about this low emotional level while offering high-level advice... well, i'm so guilty of this. may Your grace cover me. teach me, Father, how to effectively communicate truth with love. only thru You...
amen
*the miller family *skylar *the buffintons *derrick

go and love and touch in the name of Jesus

Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise — the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.
heb. 13.15-16

We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
1 john 4.16

i feel like the rain is falling on me. like the way the earth must feel after a drought. there are so many people in my life who need the rain which i'm basking in. and i'm trying to give them rain, but some people refuse to accept the gift. they'd rather remain in the sun-scorched land, like the plants that wither because they have no root. (matt. 13.6) perhaps my presentation of the rain isn't very appealing, or maybe my motives are divided. deep within me i wish that these people would accept this rain and be refreshed, as i am.

this tatto series that louie has presented throughout the summer was rain for my soul. he said, 'just GO and LOVE and TOUCH in the name of Jesus Christ.' he was referring to the way we are to be the body of Christ to those who need to be touched the most. Jesus made constant examples of the untouchables - to the blind, Jesus smeared mud on their eyes; to the man leprosy, He touched him; to the prostitute, He touched her; to the man with questions, He touched him. how do you fire God up? do this: sing God a song of praise while pouring out your life into those who most need to be touched. in the midst of the pain and hurting, sing Your song to Christ. get over Your own wants, and care for the needs of others - all while singing a song of praise to God. don't grumble when things don't go your way - sing and pray all the more. build others up instead of tearing them down.let others know that we are the Body of Christ thru our unity and love. find what breaks the heart of Christ and do something about it. 'Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.' james 1.27

something in last night's message gripped my heart and it hasn't let me go. i'm drawn to the hope in the words. i.m convinced more than ever before that i want to go to africa; i've been called from darkness into light. (1 peter. 2.9) my prayers are moving from 'God, i really want to go' to 'God, don't let me stay here any longer.'

Jesus,
what an incredible name. You've conquered death and You hold life in Your hands. Your power and might are great. and Your name can fell the enemy. be praised for choosing me to sing a song of praise to You. my heart rejoices that You've rained down upon me with light and hope, love and compassion. as i abide in You, You come and make this heart Your home. it's a joy to know and be known by You. teach me to represent You well. let me offer others some rain in a way which will be pleasing and acceptable. let them see and desire to have what i'm offering. use me as a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world. (mother teresa)
in Jesus Name ~ Amen.
*Leslie *kimberly * Derrick